Preparing to go, but willing to stay.

I don't think I am.  I am willing to go.  Isn't that supposed to be the hard decision?  Isn't that supposed to be the sacrifice?  I fought this all along the way.  I never wanted to go.  I wanted to stay in my suburban lifestyle, marry a rich businessman, drive my kids to soccer practice in my luxury SUV, and give money to other people so that they could go. 

But - You pursued me.  You pushed me to my knees.  You asked me to go.  And now that I am willing - You are telling me that I have to be willing to stay?!?  You give me this passion,  these desires. You break my heart and cause me to ache for these people - and then you tell me that I have to be willing to sit at home and do nothing? 

I don't understand.  I am preparing to go and I am willing to go.  Isn't that what you asked of me? 

It's been a long time.

I tend to think that NO ONE reads this - therefore I don't update very often.  But a few of you mentioned that you stumble across this site occasionally, so I thought I would give those faithful few an update on life.

This semester has been rough. 

Seems to be the trend as I continue life at Cedarville.  But - I am almost done.  THANK GOD. 

The past few months have brought some trials I never expected.  Dad had a sextuple bypass, then had a heart attack a month later.  Then I had some scary test results with some scary possibilities - but everything eventually came back clear.  The threat of having something so cherished taken from me - whether it be my precious father, or my own life, really put things into perspective for me. 

I have spent this semester in tears, scared for the future in a way that I have never experienced before.  And I will spend this Christmas with a fresh perspective on how absolutely precious my family is, on how much I want to accomplish in this short life, on how everything can be taken in the blink of an eye - so I want to CHERISH every precious second that I have with the people that I love.

                         *****************************************************

I am FINISHED with Senior Research!!  I never thought that this day would come - and let me tell you...it was worth EVERY second to be able to say that I DID IT!!  Not only that, but I did it WELL...and that feels good too!  For any Communication majors out there - if you are a senior: WOOHOO...It feels good, don't it?  -if you are just starting your research: it will SUCK, but then it will be over...and life will go on - finally!

Everytime I am able to get up in front of people, whether I am training or teaching or presenting or entertaining - I leave with such a high.  I absolutely love doing it!  This is a fairly new discovery - but now that I know what God made me to do - I just want to do it ALL THE TIME!  What a great, euphoric feeling - there is nothing like it

                       *****************************************************

I have been so cynical this semester.  I have always thought of myself as a realist - but recently I am realizing that I truly am a flat out pessimistic person.  I need to marry a man who will balance me out - let me know that life doesn't ALWAYS suck...just sometimes !

                       *****************************************************

I still need a job - if anyone is interested in helping me out with that - feel free to forward on some contact information.  I fear that I will end up going home and living in my parent's basement for the rest of my adult life.  Don't laugh - it could happen. 

been watching: gilmore girls. lost. the nine. survivor. greys anatomy. csi. america's next top model.

been listening: augustana. dave matthews. billy joel. justin timberlake. death cab for cutie. snow patrol. the fray.

been reading: memory keepers daughter by kim edwards. lover of my soul by alan wright. in cold blood by truman capote. walk on: the spiritual journey of u2 by steve stockman.

been consuming: chocolate.  lots. of. chocolate.

been relaxing: catching up on sleep. looking for a j.o.b. planning a conference. catching up on good times with good friends who are too far away.

you?